A ray of light breached the clouds
and blinded my sore eyes
and on turning I saw the tall
valiant figure of a Highland man.
Not perceived by his sight
and sneaking through gentle grass
I silently followed this fierce lad
and saw there was nothing he could lack.
The long red squared kilt was crossed
by a leather coated maze and spear
and drops of blood of unlucky redcoats
dripped through savagely wounded legs.
And the clouds dispersed and I saw;
behind the hill, a vast army of clans
had gathered in this year of Our Lord
seventeen hundred and forty five.
Highland warriors held their stand
urged by the call of Stuart’s House
to claim their rightful throne, once
bitterly torned clans joined in arms.
The Cadence to Arms, the final Albion
shout and the valiant first strike.
Rivers of redcoat blood now drown
the injured and deceased alike.
But Bonnie Prince Charles wished more
and seeked only his Kingdom come.
And spirits and ideals left aside
the Stuart House shows Scotland his back.
Alone, unprotected, forsaken and betrayed
hundred of Highland warriors offer their lives
bleeding and hurting, crying for a cause,
an idea that, for a few, could be left to die.
(This was the first poem I ever wrote. Be merciful :) . Sorry to the Scots for any historical inaccuracy.)
17 comments:
The title fits the theme well and I enjoyed reading this poem. I am placed in the middle of a mist of blood and the taste of a Scottish battlefield. A lost cause i feel the bitterness of betrayal.
You should proof read this again as there are a few spelling errors and a bit of inconsistent useage.
I would read more from this poet. -- Peach
I say for this being your first poem, you completely knocked it out of he park! Fantastic job!
Sheilagh Lee said:Very interesting poem you felt like you were in the battlefield.My Dad was a history buff and proud of his Scot /Irish background .He would have loved your poem.
Bravo! Very descriptive and wonderfully written. It took me right to battle field. I plan to past this on my fan page. Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed it!
Hugs,
Yvonne
http://yvonnenicolas.com/
Thank you for taking the reader there poetically. We need to visit visually worlds we will never experience--except by poetic voice. A great job.
really vivid!! love it :)
This is a fabulous poem. i am very impressed. At first, it gave me a surreal feeling, which continued beyond the end. I love the historical subject.
This may very well be your first, but it must not be your last.
Congratulations!
Thanks for sharing!
Sammy Sutton
This is a stirring poem. Definitely got the voice of a poet. I agree with Peach about proof reading.
I'm a Highland Scot living in the Hebrides and should point out that if the battle you refer to is Culloden it was 1746.
A super first poem. All the best with your writing.
Anne
I think for a first poem it is very good, and you have an obvious talent for narrative, which is really important. The only thing that falls for me is that it doesn't really take me there - the pain, the blood - what these people were going through, it reads a bit like propaganda actually. I don't think that was your intent, it is just easy to let imagery become a slave to the structure of the story you're telling. I say keep revising this... maybe consider writing it as a series so you can open up the story more, and explore the complex emotions that go into the decision of what is worth dying for and what isn't.
Thanks everybody for the comments and recomendations. I always love to receive your feedback.
Hope to read you soon.
Beautiful work, hon. :) I encourage you to share your gifts with the world.
Very good. There are some good critiques that will help make this poem great such as the date, etc. I can feel the numbness that I would suspect would happen at the end of a battle so I don't agree with changing the tone. I would use more action words and use "I saw" less.
Yours, Cyn
To tackle history in your first poems is quite bold. Go for it.
great as a 1st poem1 even after 6 collections of published work, I am not able to write as well!
visit my blog & see for yourself!
Great work mister! I enjoyed it and was a very descriptive poem that showed this this world :)
Very readable and interesting.
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